"Are people so unhappy when they love?"
"Yes, when they love and are unsure of being loved in return . . ."
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cheesecakes are my favorite.
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30.4.02
grrr. i should listen to my intuition more often. it's usually right.
tonight as i was thinking while i was cleaning up the kitchen, i decided that i'm too judgmental. so, as i'm pondering that thought, another one comes. i resolve to not be judgmental and not even half a second later, the utter absurdity of resolving to be less judgemental also hit me. oh well.
i was also going to be depressed tonight, but i decided against it and it worked.
something else. i don't remember what it was.
my room is getting barer and barer. there's no more odds and ends in there and no posters and no books and moving is really draining job, even if you do in in bits and pieces. darn, this going to be a long job.
i'm listening to jg again. i need to buy this cd.
today, trevor walked in the house with a white flower in his hand. i glanced at it and and then realized that it wasn't really a flower at all. he had taken a stick and peeled back the bark at the end of it in curly strips to make petals. he smiled his little boy smile and said "hey whitney, i picked this." i smiled and said "did you?" he said "yeah . . . up off the ground." we both laughed and he asked me if i wanted it. i said "of course!" so he gave it to me and i've been wearing it in my hair all day.
9:42 PM
29.4.02
is blogger bothering just me or is it everyone?
10:41 PM
28.4.02
tired.
10:25 PM
27.4.02
grr. i've done it again. i called someone with the intention of finding out how they were doing and what was going on in their life, then end up with i this, i that, i the other thing. it's getting to me.
yep. it's after ten.
11:20 PM
okokok. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't care. in a good way.
i'm in a great amazingly wonderful mood.
4:59 PM
::swoons over josh groban's voice:: wow. this guy is good.
ok, that wasn't what i was going to say, but i got sidetracked.
what i was going to say was that poetry night was good. i had a wonderful time. i only wish that i could have stayed longer. i stayed too long as it was. i got in trouble when i got home because i was fifteen minutes late. oh well. it was good.
ahem. you'll note that this is considerably earlier than ten o'clock at night.
3:12 PM
22.4.02
the walls in my room are looking very bare right now. i've begun the long and difficult process of packing up. we're all starting it. allison's walls are looking rather bare too.
i've decided that this is where i belong. i go back and i visit mobile. it's nice, but in my heart, i know i don't belong there anymore. it's almost hard to remember when i did belong there. even when i was seeing ian and tammy and wishing i could be with them more often, i felt a longing to be back here, where i belong.
Small Joy of the day: riding in the car with the windows down and the old time radio station turned up singing along at the top of your lungs.
10:49 PM
21.4.02
went to the hunt's house yesterday after we all took showers. mom and daddy didn't come because they were still working. that's the first time i've been to someone's house without my parents. we had a grand time. anna flipped out of the makeshift seat in the tree fort and it was pretty funny. her legs flipped up over her head and then she laughed too. daniel and i argued over which g it was that tony lance hit at the end of falcon in the dive (i was RIGHT!) and arthur declared that your education wasn't complete until you had heard some bob dylan music, which we did.
we listened to some bob dylan music in church today. i smiled.
we were singing a song (one which i have completely forgotten at this point) which had to do with the morning and mom leaned over and said "the sun came up this morning." i smiled again.
i've decided that i'm bored of being sane and i think i'll go mad for a bit. my dad says not to stay In Sane too long.
i think i wish i were british.
DA da da DA da da DA da da...nevermind. just humming moonlight sonata.
smile.
10:56 PM
20.4.02
wow. i worked harder today than i've worked in a long, long time. i think it was good for me, though i'm exhausted right now. i think there is no possible way for me to be any dirtier than i am right now.
i'm also doing better than i have in a while. thank you.
3:59 PM
19.4.02
it's strange. i go to my own blog almost expecting to see something new on it. i guess i expect that i've done something that i forgot about. that happens more often than i'll admit.
i am frustrated. why can't i talk about something other than myself?!
10:49 AM
18.4.02
today was not a good day.
i have no more to say.
10:52 PM
17.4.02
i'm back and i'm tired and i'm happy and i'm angry.
i was reading something just now and somehow it made me so angry that it almost frightened me. i wanted to just beat my head against the monitor or better yet, put my fist through it. i could feel my breathing get faster and shallower. i have the distinct impression that if anyone talked to me just now, it would not go well for either of us. i do not want to talk about it. i feel like i'm growling or shouting at someone.
the sky was beautiful this evening as we were coming home. i could look out the window and see deep purples and oranges and i even saw two angel letters.
every time we go to mobile, i'm reminded beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are definitely supposed to be living here in asheville.
i'm getting tired of this blog.
10:57 PM
10.4.02
i wonder how long it will take me to figure out and accept that i can't fix everything that's wrong. heck, i can't fix most things.
a thought just popped into my head. what if i let God do it instead of trying everything myself? that just might work better.
it's interesting to think that tonight i'm sitting at my house, comfortable and easy, and tomorrow night i'll be in a different house, in a different city, in a different state. i almost wish i weren't leaving. i almost always feel like this just before i leave. i've got a really bad feeling about this trip though. not about us, but about the people that i'm leaving behind. i guess i'm just scared.
take heart.
God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power, of love and of a sound mind.
i've been sleeping on the couch for the past week due to my fear of mutated spider crickets and the fact that i've started seeing them again, but today my dad and i sprayed some wicked bad poison all over the yard, so hopefully they're all dead. i'm going to try to sleep in my room tonight.
go back and count how many "i"s are in this post. nevermind, don't.
10:52 PM
9.4.02
i have several things i want to write about, but i've got far too much to do to be posting on my blog. i'll fill these out later.
1) the beery guy at the library.
2) the street performers
10:08 PM
i feel like hissing.
both names?
grr.
but i don't see any good reason to refuse.
11:17 AM
7.4.02
this afternoon, we were at frank's roman pizza. trevor was sitting at one end of the table and had been quiet for a while, when he suddenly spoke up.
i think we need to all be more like babies. they seem to trust more. i mean, if your dad tells you "just jump out of the tree, i'll catch you" you pause, think about it, maybe you'll do it, maybe you won't. but if you tell a young child to do that, they just . . . jump.
that is one amazing little boy.
a few months ago, i sent part of my journal to...i guess my mentor...and here's what she thought of it.
"You seem surprised when things don't turn out as mediocre as you expected - and you remind yourself often that there's plenty to be grateful for. How's this for observation - there are 2 Whitney's - the one that wants to break out - and go for what you really want and say how you really feel, - right there in front of God and everybody - and the other cautious Whitney, that explains life to the wayward Whitney. 'Don't expect too much, Whitney' - you tell yourself. 'It was good enough, and there's a lot to be
thankful for, etc.' ...But is there a part of you that wants to burst with joy - feel terrifically alive in every cell of your body? Does your cautious Whitney keep you from going after that?"
yes yes yes! i do want to burst with joy and feel terrifically alive in every cell of my body! i want to love like i've never been hurt, i want to open myself up and be vulnerable, i want to be absolutely real, no barriers, no lies, and let you see just who i truly am! i want to be vibrant. i want to stop living my life based on other people's expectations or what they think of me. i want to care more for people, and at the same time, care less about what they think. i want to just be.
but there's another whitney sitting here with me. and that whitney is scared and she won't let me go after it. i'm going to have to have words with that whitney. i'm irritated with her.
10:52 PM
6.4.02
i have some glow paint that my mom bought for the heck of it. i painted a sunrise on my wall that can only be seen when the lights are out.
10:06 PM
2.4.02
small joy of the day: violets.
4:49 PM
we were at kmart today when my mom had the most interesting conversation. we had been looking for an appliance lightbulb for my sister's lava lamp. they seemed to be sold out, so we went to get our milk, when we found, hanging on the milk refrigerator, one (1) appliance lightbulb that was the size and wattage that we needed. my mom mentioned this to the lady that checked us out (an older lady, maybe in her late fifties, early sixties, white hair).
"well, it was there just for you."the lady answered.
"yes it was" my mom said.
"if you're like me, you believe that God put it there for you."
my mom nodded. "i do believe that."
"you know, working around here, i'm afraid to say anything like that to anyone for fear that someone will hear and turn me in.
strange.
4:46 PM
1.4.02
i don't have anything to say.
i am definitely a hugger.
10:02 PM
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